Brian Keith Carvalho

 As I’ve grown up, a distinct result of my upbringing and personality has been an inability to talk. Be it to others, in a room, in a meeting or even with someone I like. I think the combination of constant self-examination and over-thinking has led to continuous reflection on what I want to speak, even before I have spoken. Most public appearances where I’ve had to engage in small talk or improvise conversations thus have led to a failing in making my presence felt, vocally, even though you’ll notice my appearance in the room.

This constant brooding starts as soon as I enter a space where I know I will have to indulge in some sort of socializing. I enter and immediately look for a corner from where I can get a lay of the land. Next, I glance across at everyone in the room, making note of where the host of the event is and then at the rest of the people there. Spotting familiar faces lends a level of assurance but I find myself thinking about my last interactions with those people and whether I recollect enough about them to take things forward in this setting. Having resigned those familiar faces to a mental note, I continue looking around the room, wondering who I will have to interact with and also whether I’ll have enough context to begin a conversation.

For long I’ve actually wondered if my personality is that of an Introvert or if there’re more to me than that? I say, ‘more to me’ because I have pleasant memories of being in settings or events with plenty of people and actually engaging in fruitful conversation. Yet today these are fewer and further apart than I’d like them to be.

Within the context of work too, it seems the problem just tags along and assumes another form. Even in meetings where I know the topic and the field being discussed, even the slight hint of being unsure draws me back into the over-thinking loop. It fires up by instinct with questions such as, ‘Do you even know what you’re talking about?’, ‘How will everyone judge you for what you’re saying?’, ‘Do you have the authority to speak about that?’, ‘Are you ready if the answer brings along a new question?’. This loop is quite irritative and exhausting, yet to the world I am silent, given the loop is a raging fire in my brain, of course.

If there is an antidote to this behaviour, It either presents itself in situations where I have to present something to a room or in places where I have someone egging me on. When I present, I don a sort of armour that says ‘You know what you’re doing for the next X minutes and they will listen’. That helps; particularly as the fear of unknown is dialled down. I know the topic and I know what I’m speaking about. Moving on, the power of someone egging me on is really contagious. Knowing that I have at least one other ally in the room comes with such a relief that it builds an endurance in knowing that I can speak. 

Looking back at my childhood, I wonder if at any point, doing things differently would have made me a more confident ‘talker’. I realize that being a talker today brings with itself so many benefits – an instant way to disarm someone in a social situation, to get out of trouble, to draw attention and to make a point. Even if you head into the world of business leaders and the examples they set forth – you always spot the most eloquent of people being naturally charismatic. 

I think talking is a life skill, and one that I haven’t really equipped myself with. Watching your words during conversations and fitting them to contexts is important but the general precedent has to be about actually speaking. That’s something I have to strive harder to achieve.